im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
