Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
