Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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