It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
