Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Green mimosas i think yes
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
