why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
