I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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