Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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