Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
