just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
