There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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