Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
