I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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