my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Found the puke drawer
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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