If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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