You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
