Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
