if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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