OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize