I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
