Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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