I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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