I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
