Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's blow job season.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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