someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
