Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
