if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize