and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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