I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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