all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
