I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Don't make out with my wife yet
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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