A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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