Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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