I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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