Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize