I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize