DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
