Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
