I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
