i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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