This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
