Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
