don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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