Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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