i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
