Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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