A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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