Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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