def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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