I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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