I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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