I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Can I color on your dick again?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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