T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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