got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
