I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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