I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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