dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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