i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
