Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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