I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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