My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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