There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
